Support.. it works wonders!

Recently, I started sharing more about my struggle with depression. (Click here to read more about it) I started realizing, that maybe it wasn’t a chemical imbalance or something to do with the situations I’ve been in, but maybe instead, something that other adoptees experienced. So I asked. I was amazed at how many adoptees share some of the same signs of trauma, that I have lived with all of my life. Are these all common symptoms that are a result from being adopted? 

No, you are not alone. Bulimia from 13 to 18.. (my 1st born & treatment saved me!) And definitely my share of drug/alcohol use. Anxiety, separation anxiety and a plethora of unhealthy, disconnected relationships

  • Nope definitely not alone, suffered for years with bad relationships, prison, ocd, self loathing, disconnected from family and friends, anxiety attacks. 10 years alone with God in an 18 wheeler I am coming full circle. 
  • I always felt that I had a great big ‘REJECT’ blazened across my forehead. Too this day I have to fight this feeling of being unworthy of happiness.
  • I can relate…. Feeling alone/misunderstood/unlike everyone around me. Became a rebellious teenager. Turned to alchol and pot to dumb the pain. (No addictions from it thank God) was permiscuious as a teen.(looking to feel loved). Suffer from OCD … Work a holic. Perfectionist. Always trying to be better. Trouble with letting people close to me. Never feeling worthy. Hide behind a smile and humour. My coping skills are to deflect attention. The list goes on and on. I am my own worst critic…

  • There is nothing wrong with you, Mindy. It’s the adoption system that is broken. You just happened to be an innocent bystander who was forced to pay for a debt that you did not owe. 
  • Mindy I think you’ll find a large percent of adoptees are ‘jacked up’ in some significant form…and the minor ratio claiming they’re just jiffy, haven’t realized they are too! 

  • We are our own breed of cray cray lol
  • Massive anxiety!

  • I’ve definitely had issues with depression and anxiety. Im pretty sure it goes with the territory. On the bight side, so does resilience and determination. What we got dealt in set backs I think we tend to more than make up for in other areas.

  • I agree we most certainly are our own breed… BUT in saying that I see many amazing qualities. We are SURVIVERS first and foremost. We are determined and independant of others. Resourceful and a force to be reconded with. Compasionate and empathtic. Not to be confused with weak. And IF we ever get to the point to let someone close enough we love like no other.

  •  …and here I was thinking it was just because I’m an artistic Virgo lol

  • Haha my excuse growing up was “I am a free spirited Aquarious” lol

  • Mindy Hord I’m not a freak after all!

  • I always warn that “I love hard”.. (and that I’m toxic as well)
  • Mindy Hord I’m a self sabotager in relationships

  • I love freaky people

  • Mindy Hord Me too! I don’t understand “normal” people

  • Lol… ME TOO!!

  • Mindy Hord That is my normal.

  • Normal is soooo boring

  • I def self sabotage too!!

  • This is gonna be a good feed. While I am pretty “open” with my thoughts, others fear judgement..opportunity to spill safely here.

  • Seriously, I feel a little more ” normal” whenever I read one of these posts and realize we have all dealt with a lot of these feelings.

  • i have PTSD and have had this most all my 59 years

  • I always felt like the black sheep of the family, still do at times. I see how being adopted is hard too on my kids (16 boy 12 girl the oldest gran kids on my side) but feel so loved by my in laws

  • Mindy, shoulda just asked “how f’d up are y’all?” Lmao

  • Okay gals and guys in reading all of your post I’d like to share a part of me. I am in search of my adopted brother who was placed at birth. He is 34 now. My search has just begun. I also am a mother of 4 soon to be 5 adopted children. They are all siblings. I guess I’m asking for some insight so that maybe my husband and I can ease their pain of adoption.. We love each of them so very much. I’m well aware that some of their feeling of why adoption took place we will not be able to spare them but comfort them. Any insight from y’all would be appreciated.

  • I learned through specialized therapy for adoptees that the ways we all felt all our lives, and the different paths we took, no matter how destructive, are common in 79% of adult adoptees! Did anyone see “Stalker” this last week? It’s now only us, it’s SOCIETIES attitude TOWARD us!!! I mean, does it drive anyone else crazy that in the media, celebrity culture, even obits, we are ALWAYS singled out, labeled as “adopted child of…”? Yet, we’re supposed to be just as loved and accepted as bio kids. ESPECIALLY when we screw up! This oxymoron makes me upset AND confused!

  • Hahahaha the answer would be”REALLY F**d UP”
    But happily crazy most days.

  • I am so insecure and seriously distrusting of others motives. Always analyzing every word every action. If for one second I think you might walk away, I will cut my losses and move on. Makes it hard to have friends lol

  • it’s about time someone opened this can of worms!!! I bet MOST of us can put “ditto” on half of these comments. I know I am a complete “ditto”

  • RECORDS, knowing identity of who we are, contact if at all possible! And please remember everything (write down)you can so later when they search, they won’t encounter the bs we do. My .02 cents.

  •  I channel my “crazy” into humor and art. Actually got an applause yesterday for standing up in the middle of the Taj Mahal Casino in AC for standing up at a “Sex in the City” slot machine and belting out “Me and Bobbi McGee” at the top of my lungs for nor damn good reason! Still LMFAO ’cause I can’t find a melody if it hit me in the face! It was SO bad!!! But SO funny!

  • No, you are not the only one. I take anxiety meds, smoke and grind my teeth.

  • I can’t believe all the teeth grinders. I cause myself headaches I do it is much while I sleep. Glad to know I’m not alone.

  • Thank you for your insight. We do have contact with their bio family on both sides. Even do visits/fun days with the family. I always want to keep an open dialogue with the kids and the family. However they don’t realiSee More

  • I inherited depression and alcoholism from my birth mother. I’m not sure if all of it can be attributed to heredity though.

  • Lisa you have it right. I am certain they will not be left with the scars we have been left to deal with.

  • You are a rare, amazing and beautiful AM! The fact that you care so much about your CHILDREN, who happen to be adopted, is awesome! Xoxo

  • I get it!! I am artistic( hairstylist/color tech/platform artist) . All that I work with knows my “warped sense of humour” but yet still puts me on stages in front of thousands. I am certain my boss’s always Pray before I go on stage…

  • I completely understand age appropriate necessity. See, y’all “get it”..even if for some reason it goes “bad” have the info for THEM to decide what relationship they want as adults. Keyword…THEM. Something that closed adoption steals from us. Thank you!

  • Btw I wear a mouth guard at nite cause of my teeth grinding!!

  • Isn’t that the most awesome feeling Darlene? I love being the “wild card” in the deck…best drug ever!

  • Hey, I didn’t know about this teeth grinding thing! I do it so bad had the get veneers. Man, you learn something new every friggin’ day in this group. LOVE it!!! Xoxo

  • Anyone else channel their adoptee issues into some kind of art?

  • I never knew about the teeth grinding either… Lol. I also clench my teeth when I am upset. So much so that it formed a large bone deposit on the roof of my mouth from the years of pressure. They said it will pose no problems UNLESS I need dentures when I am older. 

  • Wow, after reading all these enlightening comments, no wonder I have such bad Crohn’s! You people are the best!!!
  • Someone needs to bring attention to this feed (blacking out names, of course). I think it would really help in our cause to WHY we need to know who the hell we are!!!

  • Darlene, can you fr me? Fascinated by your story! And finding someone else like me!

  • Actually, want to be “friends” with ALL of you…finally feel like I have a family!!!

  • Hmm hard one here. Everyday humans that’s are in biologic families have these same issues. So are we just using being adopted as a krutch??? Take ownership people. I say this without judgment. I know and have heard some horror stories from adoptees. But depression and addiction are sometimes brought on by ones self. I in no way would say always. Just food for thought.

  • Oh and Lisa… Its not all terrible. Just so I know I was raised by amazing people. Love them dearly. They never treated me like I was not their own. My A father is my personal hero. No man will EVER come close to how I feel about him.

  • Who said any of us do NOT take ownership. I find your post IGNORANT at best Gregory!!

  • I’m sorry. As I read. It seems sometimes we blame our troubles in life on being adopted. That’s all I’m saying.

  • You are right to an extent. But as I said in an earlier post, I think when you add the stigma that society places on us as adopted children, combined with the secrets and lies most of us have to deal with, it creates a “perfect storm” of problems that separates us from others.
  • This is a thread of “admittance” not blame. A thread where we are at times poking fun at oursleves. We have manu defence mechanisms and find support in each other. No need to for someone to come on here and cast “personal blame” . It’s not a 12 step meeting. Just people talking.

  • You are surely not alone! Always felt alone growing up and has led me to make stupid decisions through teenage and adult years….not till the past couple of years have I been able to associate a lot of my problems with adoption/abandonment! Even now im still trying to contact my birth mom and waiting on her….it’s just another denial all over again! Only with God and my wife could I make it day by day!

  • I see this thread as admittance to our weird behaviours and in no way BLAMING. Its just what makes us US.

  • I totally agree some have had this. I didn’t mean to lump anyone in one cat. For sure. Like i said. I have heard horror stories. But i have also seen first hand some that just want to blame all the bad in their lives on being adopted. From good lloving adopted families.

  •  I’m sorry. I wasn’t trying to pass judgment on anyone.

  • But adoption at times does cause many of our problems. But I can tell you that sometimes our issues due stem from “adoption” like when my male cousins try and grope and touch you because “you are not blood” maybe its a bit different for females I am not sure.

  • I had a good upbringing. And as far as I’m concerned, almost, I said almost, my issues are directly related to abandonment issues, so much so that a therapist who was unaware of me being an adoptee, pegged it

  • I never remember being told I was adopted. So I must have been quite young. I have never had any issues with any of these things. I was raised by a great family and have always been well adjusted. I have recently met most of my birth family and now I am in contact with them regularly.

  • I’m sorry you had to go through any of that. I guess it is a different story for each of us. As i said. Not judging anyone.
  •  know you are not judging me. How can you. I have survived much in my life. I do not look for pitty. I depise pitty. I am self modivated and independant. Have started and own three businesses and went to the too of my career. I feel that whatever gets thrown at me I will not be broken. It just makes me more determined. But its in the quiet moments when no one is around the deep sole searching begins.

  • I never realized so many people struggle with being adopted. It made me feel special that someone picked me.

  • I guess that’s just it. I commend you for taking the empower stance. My point exactly. We as adopt ed people need to say. I am strong. I will overcome. I will not use what has happended I’m my life as an excuse.

  • It maybe different for you because you also have your history. You have made contact. For some of us finding our bio mom ended in rejection and no contact to relay medical background information. Every story is so different.

  • But again. Each ine of us has a different story and i totally get that.

  • My a/parents fought to foster/to/adopt me…unreal legal fees. At one time I felt special

  • I see both side. I reuntited. But my sister ( adoptive. ). Was rejected. Or at least no response from her bio mother. So i get it.

  • Finding your bios for most, begins healing. Its the secrets that harm.

  • I wish all of you a happy life.

  • I am 30 and just found out 2 years ago that i was adopted when my adoptive mother passed away. It hit me like a ton of bricks. But then i realized that explains, even though i was loved, why i always felt different then everyone in my family.

  • Wow. It is amazing to me how different families deal so differently. I was adopted and raised knowing this. I was always told i was lived by my bio mother too. Maybe this is why we all have so different story lines. I send heart felt hugs and blessing to all that had to struggle.

  • ou are right!! I was in now way looking for my “mom”. A mom is the one who raises you and nutures you. I was looking for ansestory and medical. Seeing I am a mom of three amazing daughters. The oldest who has had some medical issues. I find it frustrating standing in ICU units witb her and being asked repeatedly “what is ur medical history” to repeat over and over”I have non, I was adopted”. I can also see the frustration on the medical staff knowing it may assist them in her treatments…. Ughhh

  • This is just a vent. I had a horrible childhood. My first hug was from a boyfriend when I was 15! However despite anxiety and distrust I’ve been married 20 years, raised 3 beautiful, loved, well adjusted children. I have succeeded despite my issues. We are just stating what we deal with, I’ve yet seen anyone use it as an excuse. At least you didn’t tell us to be grateful that would have really pissed me off lol!

  • Totally get that. I too had many issues medically. I also work hard to unlock this in Washington. We as adopted deserve our medical info. I think this is for sure a common thread we all have the right to.

  • I get it y’all. I again am NOT passing judgment in anyone.

  • I actually think it all goes quite deep. Numerous studies have been done on the bond between mother and child at birth, and how critical that bond is. When we are ripped away from our “first moms”, AND vice-versa, studies have shown that very often (but not always), the child will have difficulties bonding later in life. No matter how loving and wonderful your childhood was, there is often an inherent yearning to bond with one’s birth mother. I personally, never want to be hugged…something gets cut off when it happens. Even when I was very young. My family loved me, and still do, very deeply. Yet a few years ago, my uncle (and Godfather) discouraged my cousin from adopting because “you never know what you’ll get”. So behind the scenes, what did/do they REALLY think of me? I too was molested by an older cousin, only to realize later in life that he knew I was not adopted, just like Darlene, and therefore “not blood”. This issue goes very deep and crosses many other issues. It is not simple and every single one of us has a different story. But again, Gregory, when you combine it all, the outcome can be anywhere from great to catastrophic. When I found out I was adopted 3 years ago at 48, I felt like someone ripped my heart out and my WHOLE life was one big lie! In MY case, I am a product of adoption-shaming, and has taken me 3 years to come back to some semblance of reality and out of the dark hole of a depression I never knew, to start regaining my footing! So finding this group, a sounding board and finally a connection with others who understand, has literally been life saving for me!

  • I finally found someone that thinks like me…. I cant get on the reform bandwagon because the reformers make us all out to be victims… I am adopted, been to hell and back; but I am NOT a victim !!! 

  • I can not imagine finding out as an adult. I was fortunate to have always known. My parents told me how special I was cause I was “picked”. I never thought anymore about it till I was much older. The shock you must have edured… That is horrible. Tho I am certain your A-parents thought of you as their’s and felt no need to tell you otherwise. I am sorry you had to travel that dark path. I promise to hold your hand and walk the new path together!! Hugs xoxo

  • It’s jaw dropping how similar our circumstances are. I’m wondering for the female adoptees ( I understand this is delicate so I’ll be non specific) did you have issues with male relatives seeing you as something other than family?
  • Someone put on a pot of coffee….group is in session lol

  • Brent, I think Gregory said he WAS on the reform bandwagon, especially to help people like me who are very ill yet have no medical history. It’s not just about finding birth parents. And I think that it’s wonderful that you are at peace with it all! But when you have spent more than half your life in hospitals, not having any medical info, and, in my case, not even knowing you were adopted so giving FAKE medical info, adoption reform becomes a critical, life-saving issue!

  • Can we add some Bailey’s in that coffee? Or is that a no no? Lol

  • * passes the bottle

  • I could easily support the medical info bandwagon…. The reform I dont support is against the big bad system that allegedly victimized me… Truth is i was “victimized” & adopted based on the actions of birth parents; nobody else.

  • Screw the coffee! I’m going for Patron! Darlene, what you wrote not only made me cry, but means SO much to me!!! You have no idea…this has been the best post ever Mindy Hord!

  • And Brent, I respect your feelings and when people reach the point you are at, it gives us all hope! Just hope you understand and respect the feelings of those who are not there yet…

  • Brent I am not a victim. But i do believe we all have the right to medical info. I also beleive as in life many have suffered and never want to pass judgment on anyone. But yes I struggles too. But I choose not to blame any one or tithing on it being related to being adopted. Again y’all just my story. May not be yours. I also believe this is an open forum.

  • I send nothing but good humble thooughts to all. I get your struggle I do. Each one of us has a story some good some tragic. I wish each one peace and an outcome that allows them to live a life. Not just get through the day life by a life. Much love to all of you.

  • No judgement here Gregory and Brent! But I DO find it fascinating that as men, you have much different perspectives than most on this post, who are female…hmmm…interesting.

  • I agree… I’m just amazed at how we tend to be mad at the system, while yearning & searching for the biological parent that placed us in the system…
  • Brent each story is diffent. I have for sure seen that. Some are in fact victim to a bad or illegal adoption. So again we can’t lump all of us into the same group.
  • I think to sometimes the frustration of the never ending dead ends drive us to play a blame game.

  • Knowing I was always adopted I believe does help in some ways….being told when you were 12 by a mom I wish I had never adopted you…well that opens up a whole other can of worms! Finding out at thanksgiving through dna that b father is either my grandfather or more likely my uncle….and already knowing my mom was 14 when she had me….there’s no can big enough to hold ALL those worms….I have always had an aversion to rape and probably because in the back of my mind I knew it was highly likely….the anger I feel towards someone hurting my momma is astronomical!! Yeah I have issues…(swigging on red red wine Lol)

  • That is true, i get it… i found my bio parents & 12 siblings… that gave me the skills to help others & I help adoptees find their bio family on a daily basis… but I do not place most of the blame on the system.

  • Wow, Steve! Sending you lots of hugs…your story chills me to the core. Just know that no matter how fucked up your story gets, we are all here with you! Xoxo

  • Oh, I do indeeed have anger towards her..and prob will remain angry until I hear her bs.
  • No, I have dealt with anxiety and depression my whole life. I feel like a lot of that has to do with the fact that my adoptive family was really verbally and physically abusive.

  • Like I said some story ar e sad. I’m thankful to have each one of you in this group as maybe we can all find a way to heal. And those of us who maybe don’t need to heal can help one who does. Much love and respect to each of you.

  • It’s great to hear the men chiming in. Is there truly a male/female perspective here?

  • Yes 12 siblings & 8 in adoptive family… just found last missing brothers in March 2014 by searching a State & males born on his dob 

  • I guess being told they were in college, 20+, rumor it being Tulane($$$) makes me angry. Sorry, but I got prego at 18..I bucked up, grew tf up, and raised my child.

  • Mindy I’ve always dealt with the fear of abandonment and trust issues. When I reached my teens the depression started. It hurts to deal with the aftermath of adoption this way. Hang in there!!

  • Super young moms, I get it. But you should’ve seen me when my mom tried to talk me into giving up my flesh. I would & still will, do whatever it takes for mine.

  • Add *needs anger mgmt to me
  • I have followed Steve’s story, an incredible journey…. I haven’t done dna because I found my family, but I think I want to do dna for other reasons.

  • Because of what I know now, I feel super protective of her and never have met her! It’s really weird. I was told I never connected with any of the nurses while in the hospital and after knowing what I know now, and talking with one of the nurses who was there, I think I was with my mom for about 12 hours before her parents came back and took her from the hospital…it would explain a lot of the connection and commitment issues

  • I was happy to be adopted rather than be raised by someone who didn’t want me. No depression here over that!!! sorry you feel differently about it.

  • I have no anger about being adopted either. My only anger/frustration I have is not directed at the “system” but to the woman who gave birth to me and will not give me my medical history. That I feel is selfish. I do not understand selfish people. I am a giver not a taker. But I always found the best way to take my anger out is through kickboxing. Nothing like it.

    I have a good relation with my a mom now….that was nearly thirty years ago…but I never forgot it and psychologically never let it go either….something I have to work on ALL the time….
  • It was a closed adoption in Springfield,Illinois born October 8th, 1980 at St.Johns hospital. My mother doesn’t remember the attorneys name. She did not name the baby. She didn’t meet the husband and wife who adopted him. It was all handled through attorney.We have registered on all the sites. Sent off for his original birth certificate, Received paper work today for the intermediary program. So that’s filled out just have to have it notorized and mailed back off. If there is anything you can do we would be so grateful. I have been told because it was a private adoption and she didn’t name him or know the adopted parents names we will probably not be able to find him.

  • Through it all I was victorious!!! I decided that I was not going to let the things that I had to endure in life to define me. I am VICTORIOUS!

  • Yes, to everything except drug use. It’s great to know that others share the same!!!

  • I had super horrible anxiety and depression when i was younger. never diagnosed until after i was divorced. i married the first man that paid attention to me. he was horrible and abusive. i have abandonment issues. i grind my teeth. always felt like i was a burden. always felt like i didn’t deserve anything and deserve less. i’m extremely co-dependent since being married to my husband now (we’ve been married for a year. i’m convinced he’s an actual angel in the flesh.) i attach to mothers more quickly than i’d like to admit. 
    i’ve been free of all medicine since 2012. church made a huge improvement. baptism made a huge improvement. i have more of a sense of belonging.

  • OK, I suffer from anxiety and depression, grind my teeth, have suffered from alcohol addiction and ocd. How am I doing? Batting a thousand huh?

  • We are all birds of a feather! People surely need to pull the beam from their own eye before trying to remove our splinters! These search sites are some of the BEST FAMILY I have….

  • I agree Steve. I have shared some of my darkest secrets and thoughts that NO ONE and I mean not another living person knows. I can not share my feelings with someone who can not truly understand. How can they? There is no Noun or Verb that describes it. I find comfort and peace here, and I would like to give the same to others as well.

  • This thread has been wonderful! Stacy and I were up at 4am playing “find songs about how we feel” lol. Which is why I posted the “black sheep” and Android videos and Stacy posted more…healing with music! Thanks all! Xoxo

  • I cant say I have anger about being adopted. But I do with the way it was done. I never felt like I belonged (not sure why) but when I was a teenager a friend told me. Both my aparents were already deceased . My family told me some information but no names. I have one living asister that is 72 and in very poor health and all she will say is you are ours. I would love to know who and have a relationship with them if they wish the same. And have medical and blood line history for myself and kids

  • Mindy Hord Omg I just got don’t typing out this long response and it didn’t post. Aaaaccck!!

  • Mindy Hord Wow! I can’t believe all the responses .. to tell you the truth I was scared when I request to join this group. Why? Honestly, I was afraid once again I’d be the odd man out. I’d be the freak. I’d be the one that nobody understood once again because growing up I only knew two people who adopted and we never discussed it. Everywhere I went I was different from the way I looked being Korean being raised amongst white people when I join this group I assumed every member would have one of those happy adoption stories like you see on TV that’s not anything close to my story I was afraid I would be an outcast again but as I watch the group I saw that everybody was supportive and I slowly started asking questions here and there I was lucky to find Mary Jo who got me connected to one of her friends who adopted two Asian girls. That friend then got me connected to a created up the group to that group I was able to join three other groups for Korean adoptees. I can’t believe or even truly describe the progress I’ve made, the relays Asians I’ve had the healing that I am starting to see the ease of mindthat I have now in just a few short weeks of being part of this group and other created up the groups. Thank you so much for all of the kind words and helping me realize that I’m not alone. The things that I’ve suffered with my whole entire life seem to be typical reactions, behaviors, disorders among adoptees. By no means does that make it better but it definitely makes it easier.

  • Mindy Hord Gregory, I don’t wish to get in a dispute and I know I’ve read every comment on this thread. I see that you several times have said you’re not here to pass judgment but I want you to know that your words and remarks come off as judgment. I see your point and you’re correct.. all the things that I listed are common nowadays amongst people, not just adoptees, but I work in relationship marketing and 80% of my business is run off of social media so I have a fairly large following and I’ve shared my battle with depression and I’ve never seen this kind of response and out of all the people who shared their struggles there wasn’t one common denominator among those who could relate, such as being adopted. I feel that your statement, saying depression and addiction are sometimes brought on by oneself could not be further from the truth and was stated out of ignorance. 

    Your response & opinion is exactly what I have heard from people my whole entire life which is why I was hesitant to join this type of group because I feared that is be shunned or made to feel that I had a choice in this. I’ve suffered from depression, anxiety, OCD, PTSD, insomnia, ADD, teeth grinding and had suicidal thoughts since I was about four years old. Until you’ve been in those shoes, your type of comments are completely out of line. Facts nor personal experience can back up your statements. Not one person on this thread seems to be blaming anything on being adopted, not their 
    “Bad life” & not their choices. I think that anybody who is in this group and has had the courage to share their story and open up about their struggles have already displayed a huge display of ownership and are looking for direction and help not textbook advice. When I asked the question, which I also asked it in the other five of the groups I’m in, I asked it not looking for acceptance, sympathy or approval, I was simply wondering because I have nothing else to reference it too if these things were common among adoptees because all my life I’ve been made to feel that I’m crazy or even called a Faker, By people who have given me the same opinion that you did. From your comments it appears that you had one of those happy adoption stories and have escaped unscathed. Considering that you cannot relate to many of our stories and have not had to cope with living life with one of these disorders. So given that, it doesn’t sound like you can adequately provide advice on this topic with no experience of your own. I am not under the impression that anyone is condoning self destructive behavior or unhealthy habits or saying that it’s all because of being adopted. And I don’t believe that just because someone has great adopted parents and a wonderful childhood, that it gives them no right to be effected by the experience or should be made to feel guilty for having these feelings or emotions, as if it were a choice. What I was trying to highlight is that often times because of being adopted we display behaviors that turn into patterns that lead to these types of disorders as a subconscious way of coping. Which most of the time is because no one knows how we feel or how to help us and as children we can’t express ourselves very well. I asked these questions among several groups because I have always wondered if it could possibly be a genetic mental disorder, a result of growing up in abusive household, a result of being raised by people who didn’t really acknowledge that I was a different race as them, or if it was just a Korean adoptee thing. I’m trying to figure these things out because I do take ownership because I DO want to get better. Because now I finally have somebody to ask to give me comfort and also in attempts to help others and hopefully gain some sort of insight or some tips on how to do get better from somebody who has been there. 

    I get that men respond with the facts versus emotion so I won’t take what you said personally but I do recommend that you choose your words a little more wisely if you ever get on this topic with somebody else. The biggest problem in the world today seems to be that people don’t think before they speak in their insensitive and clueless to what’s going on with others and how their words can keep the impact somebody who’s already hurting. Trust me I wish I had the confidence and conviction that you seen to have. I wish that it was as easy as just making a decision. I wish I never had to suffer from this. I wish I didn’t have to grow up all alone, having people telling you to just get over it or that you’re better than that or having your father tell you that you’re faking it and be ashamed that you told other people you’re depressed as if it was something you picked, some sort of plague. Because of that I withdrew & kept silent and suffered alone for years. People turn to alcohol or drugs to numb the pain because they’ve been made do feel that they are unworthy, they have not been taught how to process her emotions, they have not been treated with care and kindness.

  • Mindy Hord @Lisa my suggestion to you when dealing with your children who you adopted is that you always be honest with them, which is clear you intend to do but that you make sure you don’t introduce them or discuss the fact that they’re adopted in front of them with other people. I remember what it was like .. It always seemed to be part of the intro conversation when anyone met us. It was normal at first because that’s all I knew, which later on I realized was strange because if I was born naturally to my birthparents every time I enter the room there wouldn’t be a big conversation about where I came from or how they got me. I have always been pretty open about me being adopted, which it’s not like I could really hide it when my parents are white & I’m asian, but I get sick and tired of answering the same questions over and over and over and over again. I would also make sure that you do the colorcode test on each of your children so that you know how to discipline, motivate, and communicate with each of them individually. I would do whatever you can to make sure you have as much information as possible for them later on when it comes to their medical records or about their ancestry. I would make sure that you surround them with other children from families who were adopted so that they’re not the only kids who are adopted amongst a group of people with normal families. That way growing up they have other people to talk to and so they’re not the only one with a non-traditional family. I would also make sure that you set up some sort of counseling to help them because of the fact that it’s easier to prevent or correct things early on and it would help shape the way they think and teach them how to identify & manage the emotions, then wait and try to fix broken adults. What so many people don’t realize is that the way we react, the way we see things, the way we respond is all based on things that happened to us in our childhood. You can take three siblings put them in the same situation and then years later ask each one to retell the story and they all will tell you a different rendition and certain details will stand out to each person even though they all were there at the same time, experiencing the same thing but the way they perceive it and what stood out to them are totally different. And I’m not sure but I think for me everything would’ve been different had my adopted parents told me all along that my birth mother loved me and give me some explanation, Instead of avoiding it. I think my mom is jealous of my birth mother because she never brought her up until I asked & it was a traumatic experience when I was about 12. All she would say regarding my birth was that she was happy I was born. 

    The biggest thing is that the children don’t feel guilty for wanting to ask questions are no more and that they’re not scared.

  • To be honest I do not believe Gregory meant any disrespect. I have learnt over my 43 years (ughh) that men and women communicate differently. We process information and relay it differently as well.

  • Mindy Hord Mary Jo Simunovich 
    I have absolutely no musical artistic or athletic ability. I’ve always been passionate about music I think because it’s how I learn how to understand the emotions I had and I can relate because I was all alone. I have immersed mysel
    f into my fairly new career (3 yrs) as a national health, fitness, wellness, life coach because it’s given me a home, a family, the support group, and helping others has helped me understand myself and start the process of healing & it led me to all of you and now I’m getting better. For me helping others has been monumental to my self-discovery & healing process. So I am slightly obsessed with my career where kind of like you are passionate about art … it’s like my therapy.

    My job has helped me understand people better. I was never around a lot of people growing up so I only had one perspective and it was my parents views. I knew very little about my beginnings and I realize now after starting my journey in late January 2013, simply trying to get information about my adoption to get my citizenship papers to get my passport because my adopted parents refused to give me the information. All I wanted was to go on this trip. I had no idea it would open up doors that have been hidden from me for the majority of my life then forbidden once I realized it was there. I didn’t realize how much about myself I didn’t know. I didn’t realize how I’ve been shaped by all these experiences. I now understand people a little bit better because I work with people all day long. I’m starting to really understand the importance of providing a SECURE, honest, loving, happy childhood, getting help by finding a support group and being open in order to live a happy life.

  • Mindy Hord True Being told depression is a choice is the worst thing you could tell a person who’s depressed …and so more than anything hope to educate him on how to approach this subject and encourage him to approach with more sensitivity since he’s not ever dealt with it

  • My a mom had talked to me about how my search is going and she knows I’ve sent a letter to my b mom but she doesn’t know what I know about my b father…..last time she asked me if I’ve heard anything from my mom and I told her no….She acts like my b mom is doing something wrong and selfish for not contacting me and gets a little pissy about it. It’s like she doesn’t have any compassion for her at all, even though she does know she was only 14 when I was born.I’m not angry with my b mom because she won’t contact me….I know it’s got to be hard to come to terms that I found her. It’s I wish she would answer me so I could get past this hurtle instead of being stuck in limbo. Thank you Mindy for this thread!

  • Mindy Hord I so appreciate your story, your life experience. If I could take anything away from this thread it will be your advice.. Our oldest knows what adoption means and we are very open and honest with him. As the others get older we will explain exactly what adoption means. We do not hide it from any of them. The word is very common in our home. Extended family is what we use to refer to the kids biological family for now. That way they understand there is a blood connection and in time we will let them know who is who. I never want to hide the fact that they have 4 parents who love them whole heartly.. We actually have been going through something you touched on. Whenever we are around friends they find it necessary to introduce us to their friends as the adopted parents of xx, xx,and xx oh and this is their biological son.I can’t stand that. I want them to be children when we are out and about. I want them to enjoy playing and being the ages they are. Not always being labeled the adopted child versus their biological child. I believe it is their story to tell when they are old enough and when they choose to do so. We also have made it a point to have informative information on the parents medical history just incase something would happen and we weren’t able to have contact with them. We let them know all the time they are love by all involved.Thank you again. So grateful for sharing with me.
  • Ohh I do hope you have spoken with those friends ect that label them. I myself would harbour deep wounds if that was the case.
  • We have spoke to them about the issue. Sadly it continued and the last incident happen over the holidays when they shared a little to much info with a person who was a stranger to me but found it necessary to reach out to me and let me know exactly how they felt about our life journey with our children. I was shocked to learn their true feelings. So needless to say we have cut off all contact with them. I blame myself for not being more aware of how they really felt about adoption. Thought they were a part of our support system when along they refer to us as ignorant,stupid, what are they thinking etc…

  • Oh wow!! Often wonder about people sometimes. 
    Sounds like you and absolutely amazing parents. Ones who are active in giving your children the best life possible by always growing and trying to have a deeper understanding.

  • One of the comments that were made by them was they are to ignorant to realize that you can not change DNA!!! That is so laughable to me. We have never ever wanted or wished to change their DNA… They would not be who they are if we could change them! We love them.. Not for who they think our children should look, and act like. They are apart of their biological parents who we also love and have a great respect for.. And would never want to change that fact either.

  • Omg these people were derived from a lower intelligence(aliens maybe). I have a feeling they are looking for imperfections(or what they feel maybe imperfections) in your lives. Is their skin colour a bit “green”? I am curious.. How does their relationships with their children compare to you with your children. I would bet your family is extremely close and open while their’s is strained.

  • True colors are shining through… Just in the past couple of weeks they have had some things happen shaking their family stance.. And low and behold it was a show. They have more issues than I could dream up! Just glad that person who (reached out to me) has since become a friend and is helping me in my own personal search for my brother who my mother placed for adoption at birth. I think his private adoption has lead me to keep open dialog and build a relationship with our children bio parents and family.

  • Ahh ha!! I figured as much so. People like them tend to look for others imperfections and point them out to take the “eyes” of of them. Green is an ugly colour.

  • Mindy Hord To bring up the subject or somebody ask if they thought that it was easier or harder on man versus a woman. It’s hard to really say and unfair to lump 1 sex into 1 category and match it up against the other but I’ll say that there seems to be more Reminders for women especially as they get older for instance when we have children and see an obstetrician or when we visit the gynecologist yearly there’s a lot of questions about medical history where I don’t think men encounter this as often. 

    Lisa, it’s so crazy to me how many people think they have the right to share and push their views and opinions on others. 

    Even given my horrible experience being adopted I’m always careful how I pretrade it because I don’t want to detour another family and leaving them with no options and affecting one child’s virginity to have a good life and be love by two people who truly love them. I don’t think that any adopted parent says out to ruin a child’s life just as I don’t think the birth mom means to hurt them when they give them up they do it because of the time it’s the best option they think they have in both scenarios take a lot of time and thought and energy. However I don’t think there’s been enough education on the effects for both the parents and the children in the past. 

    My problem is my parents made me feel like I was ungrateful and selfish and it’s a new list after list of all the things that they provided for me which a natural parent would do without ever keeping track rolling over the head or bringing up because he do it because it comes naturally adopted parents know that they’re doing it and they do not have to and I feel that they’ve invested so much and there’s so many emotions involved that they’re arty frustrated and scared and have a wall up and they do everything that they think they’re supposed to do just by observing parents from outside and then when they do that it leads to possibly more heartache and they don’t get that same devotion in return that they think they’re giving to that child they feel let down. 

    In my example my parents did all this research and presented all the statistics to me about how adoptees are known to lash out front on reasons to be rebellious etc. and I realize they essentially brace himself and focused on the fact that there was a chance that there child could end up like one of those statistics and all they did was focus on that instead of focusing on the types of things the adoptee children often feel. I think because honestly, no one really truly learns to be TRULY selfless UNTIL they become parents so while they prepare for the arrival of their child, they’re only focused on themselves because they’ve never had to focus on anyone else.

  • Mindy Hord Another point it seems like a bunch of us are like “YEAH!! Where wild we’re crazy where loud were bold where outspoken we’re not normal we love it it’s all about in your face people!” I think many of us attribute it to I got like some people said their astrological sign. Or just their personality type or different reasons we’ve decided upon. But what I really think it has a lot to do with it what I said in the previous comment most of us have shared that our adopted parents expected so much out of us, but it wasn’t ever enough. And I think many of us strive for perfection that’s why were workaholics and so abscess in certain aspects of her life but at the same time we have both up this wall, which is a front and part of our defense mechanism. And have an IDGAF attitude to ward off those that might hurt us. We mask the pain with humor, loudness or make ourselves appear tougher than we really feel or arrogant to hide or low self confidence

  • BINGO!!!!

  • As a man maybe I’m more in touch with my feelings(yeah that’s weird right? Lol) but that only came with time and some counseling on other matters not related to this! I was born with heart defect and have had two open heart surgeries by the time I was 18…so I’ve had to have several come to Jesus meetings with myself over the years….I know I’m not tough and all that….and over the past 2 months it’s been even more so! I can’t watch some movies or hear certain songs…stuff that wouldn’t bother me before, now just tears my nerves up! So I think men feel the same thing if they just own up to it maybe….

  • That is awesome Steve. My hubby “pretends” he is tough but is a soppy puddle of mush. Esspecially anything that applies to myself and the kids.
  • And it really shines through when I have days stuggling with my frustrations of not being able to figure out who my bio father is. His eyes tear up and he wants to my bio moms house and bang on her door and MAKE HER TALK.

  • I kept so much stuff bottled up inside for so long and done things I didn’t even know was related till I was in my late 30s and even more so when I started this last search for my mom last June I’ve done the hard nose thing and the water off a ducks back but it only pushes problems down the road…it fits nothing to alleviate then or even make it easier. I am glad I have my wife with me especially when I found out about my b father….the last time I did a search for my mom was in 2003 and I was not married then and was batching it….I don’t know what or how I would have done to find that out and being alone! Shelle is my rock and my guide….I couldn’t/wouldn’t want to go through this without her by my side!

  • Mindy Hord That’s so awesome Steve. Sadly, society seems to make a lot of men feel that they’ll lose their man card if they show their emotions

  • I personally feel it takes a strong man to show or admit feelings.February 8 at 4:19pm · Unlike · 5

  • I was not adopted but I have some of the symptoms that are mentioned herein due to my very dysfunctional 
    family relations and upbringing. Professional counseling has been a very helpful resource for me and I encourage anyone who is really struggling to get professional help. I like the advice given to Mindy Hord to seek out other Korean adoption groups. There is very little in life that brings about more inner freedom than realizing 1) you are not alone in your struggles and 2) you are perfectly NORMAL in your struggles! lol!  

    I am a b-mom and found my daughter in 1995. I have learned ALOT since then and feel there must be a better support system of some kind for mothers to keep their children. I wanted to keep her, kept her for 3 weeks in a temporaray home, but we were was not allowed back home. There was no support system for me to keep my little baby and after 3 weeks of emotional manipulation and what I later found out were outright lies by the adoption agency, I signed the papers – I was just 14 years old

  • I’m not adopted but most of you know I’m married to someone who is. This summer will make 10 yrs. I have read 100’s of adoptee stories. Literally. They all are different. Some happy endings, some sad and some don’t have endings yet. I have seen what abandonment can do to someone first hand. Unfortunately, it can own you. Every aspect of your life. I have witnessed Stevie high on a mountain top one day and down in the valley the very next. The key, I feel as an outsider looking in, is to take one day at a time. One emotion at a time. One problem at a time. Since last summer when Stevie’s journey started, I have seen him completely change his outlook on life, for the better. He no longer judges harshly (wasn’t big on that to begin with), no longer takes people to truly love him for granted and is definitely much more emotional. I’m thankful for the changes I see in him and am very thankful he now knows and fully understands that I will never abandon him. Adoptees and their stories give me courage to learn and to be a better person. I cry with them and rejoice with them. These search groups help more than just the adoptee… they help the family members understand what they are going through as much as a non adoptee can.

  • Omg Kristen. How terribly frightening of a situation you would have endured. I am happy you have rose above and repaired your inner self. That would have been a long hard road to travel.

  • Depression anxiety most of my life.

  • Panic disorder (PD) is one of the most common anxiety disorders, with a prevalence of 3.4–4.7%. Although PD seems to have no known cause, and its underlying aetiology is not well understood, studies have consistently shown that genetic factors explain about half of the variance. It is likely that most cases of PD have a complex genetic basis. Other studies have shown that people with certain anxiety disorders have changes in certain brain structures that control memories linked with strong emotions. In addition, studies have shown that anxiety disorders run in families, which means that they can at least partly be inherited from one or both parents, like the risk for heart disease or cancer.

  • Im an expert on these disorders. The panic or anxiety comes before the depression. Both have to be treated. these are the disorders that fall under this Dx. Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD)
    Social Phobia
    Panic Disorder

    Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)
    Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD)

  • Being adopted you may never heard of that “crazy great aunt or grandmother” that all the family talks about and you don’t know the history of alcoholism in your family (mainly the men in this case) If you are male you may be an alcoholic. The reason alcoholism shows in men is simply because men don’t go to doctors like women do so they self medicate by drinking.

  • Mindy Hord Thanks for sharing everyone
    20 hrs · Like · 2

  • I was adopted at 3 months and I have no information at all on my birth parents. My adopted parents names are on my birth certificate. I can’t describe the feeling I have. However, I do suffer from fibromyalgia and Rheumatoid Arthritis. I have no info to give my rhumatologist on family history. Feels incomplete.
    7 hrs · Edited · Like · 2

  • Does being an “expert” mean being professionally licensed counselor/therapist/MD?

    7 hrs · Like · 1

  • Mindy I used to pick holes in the soft tissue in my head as a little kid. Depression anxiety all that stuff. You aren’t alone.

  • Mindy Hord ^me too!
    1 min · Like