New Year, New Decade, New Version of Me

If you were born in the 80’s, raised in the 90’s, and made it to 2020, you have lived in 4 different decades, 2 different centuries, 2 different millennia, and you’re not even 40 yet. ?

???? — I became a Mom for the 3rd and was fired while on my maternity leave, which I allowed to rob me of the joy being a new boy Mom.

???? — I turned 30 and shortly after, my world started to fall apart, which sent me into a downward spiral. I suffered from a full blown mental breakdown, but hid from the world. It negatively impacted my health. I “dealt” by starting to drink heavily again + “recreational” use of drugs. By the end of the year I was 20 lbs. overweight, totally overwhelmed & contemplated ending my life because I was at the end of my rope.

???? — I finally got sick & tired of being inactive, unhealthy, self-conscious and miserable & decided to do something about it. The Universe heard my cries & pointed me in the right direction/sent me exactly what I needed. With the help of a complete stranger from Miami, I got in the best shape of my life, which led to so much more than just physical results, such as me creating a side hustle duplicating what she did to help me. Helping others got me out of my head and I learned how to set goals & started DREAMING for the first time at age 31.

???? — This was the year of my awakening. I immersed myself inPersonal Development. I did the inner work which TOTALLY transformed my mindset, helped me find clarity, the healing I desperately needed and I finally found a purpose for my pain. After 21 months, I finally found the courage to quit my job in the insurance industry & followed my passion, living a life with purpose and became a full-time online coach, earning 6-figures for the first time in my life. Doing so allowed me to finally act and most importantly feel like a Mom.

???? — I spent most of the year on a major high from the success I had seen in the prior years. I was throughly enjoying the life I worked so hard to create. We traveled a lot. We also parties a lot. I was given the opportunity to be part of the 2nd ever coach test group for a new fitness program called PiYo. This opportunity totally changed the trajectory of my coaching career & opened up so many other doors (like being part of the infomercial) and created so much more self-confidence. At the end of the year, I started connecting with other Korean adoptees & for the first time started to acknowledge my desire to know & understand my heritage I was denied for my entire life.

???? — This was the hardest year on our marriage & our family. The girls moved in with their Dad that May. And in June we separated for 2 1/2 months. We both sought professional help and addressed our addictions & mental health issues. I spent a week as an inpatient which saved my life & got me away from people who were trying to control & manipulate me & those who meant well with their advice. We reconciled. Everyone in my “Wolfpack” aka social circle abandoned me once I declared that I was breaking up with the party lifestyle.

???? — I focused on rebuilding my business and making a comeback. I ignored the hurt from being abandoned by people who I thought would always be in my life, the awkwardness & anxiety that came with getting sober by burying myself in my work. I lost 15 lbs., immersed myself with Tony Robbins and our team ended the year as part of the Top 200 of our company.

???? — There was a major shift in dynamics within my team (business) that took a toll on my mental health. My health started declining & I ended up gaining 30 lbs. without explanation. I spent the entire year trying to figure out what was wrong with no answers. It greatly impacted my confidence, relationships and business. But I got my firstborn to age 18 and to celebrate her, Ryan & I all jumped out of a plane to celebrate. It was something she had wanted to do since she was 14. It was an incredible moment for me as a parent. I withdrew myself from the world and spent most of my time in bed. We ended the year with Rebel having the flu Ryan with a broken leg.

???? — The entire year was lived in “limbo”. We were begged/convinced to move back to my hometown when we were sold “a dream”, but it was anything but a dream once we got there ? We lived apart for 9 weeks while Ryan got “settled” in California & I stayed behind while the kids finished out the school year. We lived in a 26’ RV for almost 6 months while I adjusted to being a full-time stepparent for the first time (which is not for the faint of heart ??), all the while in a custody battle with a very bitter ex-wife & coping with being 2k miles away from my daughters. In a 3 month span Ryan sustained 2 major hand injuries (a shark bite and he almost lost his thumb in a log splitter accident). The upside was that I finally was put on the right meds that helped me my shit together & not let my anxiety, depression and bipolar disorder totally wreck me.

???? — The greatest accomplishment was making it to 10 years of marriage when I can describe 2019, truly the worst year of my life in 3 words: WE. BARELY. SURVIVED.

Not to sound dramatic, but it was the hardest year of my life. I’ll spare you the details, but I honestly never felt so much despair or fear, which inhibited my ability to think straight or find a solution.

In hindsight, I can find a lot of positive things that came about because we endured such an incredibly tough year, but when living in the moment I could barely find a reason to keep breathing.

However, 2019 was my healthiest & fittest year of my life because it was just about the only thing I had control over. I reached 35 lbs. lost and kept it off.

We escaped my hometown & the depths of despair by the hair of our chinny-chin-chins & made it back to Texas … to our family two days before Thanksgiving. As this year is coming to a close there will be no love lost over 2019, only valuable lessons that will not only be carried into the next decade but the rest of my life.

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A lot has changed, but I’m ending this year, this decade with my family in tact & loving the same man that’s pushed me to my limits for the past 14 years. What more could I ask for??

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