Shame on me! I have been hiding! I have not shown up! Why? We moved, but NO EXCUSES!
My hiding ends now!
Where have I been? We moved. In March, we moved out of the house we’d lived in for almost 10 years. We sold what we could and put the rest of our belongings that we couldn’t part with in storage. At the end of March Ryan headed out West to the town I grew up in; the town I left in 2001; the town he’d only been to 3 times; the town we hadn’t stepped foot in since July 2008; the town where my adopted parents live, the people who I have been estranged from since the summer of 2008.
I shared the emotions and things that happened after we made the decision to move and started telling people via Facebook. Click on this link to view the album.
Today, I am reappearing. Please allow me to be completely honest, totally transparent and incredibly vulnerable.
It’s extremely difficult for me to articulate and have it make sense to even myself.
I am perplexed and unable to put the feelings into words, but I will try because, being open has always been so therapeutic, even if people don’t understand.
I’ve been running and chasing HAPPINESS for my whole entire life. All I’ve ever wanted to be is HAPPY. I have immersed myself in activity after activity and people, trying to find HAPPINESS. I’ve worked so hard for the past 6 1/2 years to heal and repair the broken parts of my self. I’ve worked so hard to overcome my biggest obstacle: MYSELF and my broken brain. I’ve done the uncomfortable, given up trying to find the easy way and faced the things that I had numbed myself and avoided for years.
The 13 months I’ve allowed myself to be completely vulnerable in my marriage and it’s led to the best parts of our marriage, which led us to making a HUGE decision and a BIG leap, which took us from TEXAS and landed us back home in CA. Coming back “home” has brought unexpected joy and peace into my life, but at the same time, I haven’t wanted to admit that I am terrified AF.. of the unknown, fearful of the uncertainty. 100% positive that THIS is home and without a doubt know that Texas may have been where I built a life and received mail for 17 years, but was DEFINITELY not “home”.
I always knew that moving would require sacrifice because I had moved from CA to TX and at the time, in my ignorance never took the time to weigh out the pros and cons. I was ridiculously optimistic aka young, dumb and naive. I knew that leaving my daughters behind would be unbearably hard and also knew that it would probably take time to really have the emotions totally take effect.
It’s been 130 days since I left Texas. It’s been 18 weeks of living in an RV with Ryan and our 2 boys. It’s been an exciting year, but challenging. I don’t know if it’s just being stuck in a tiny RV for longer than anticipated. I don’t know if it’s because I miss seeing my girls IN PERSON weekly. I don’t know if it’s the shock of being the only female in my home EVER. I don’t know if it’s because I am getting used to raising someone else’s child FULL TIME for the first time in the 13 years of my role as a step-mom.
I don’t know if it’s because I had gotten so use to being with my sister in law and niece and nephews everyday and having that family-feel back in my life, the 9 weeks before we left for California.
But I keep having to check myself to see if I am depressed again. I keep having to ask myself the hard questions that come with life with mental illness. Confession: I started off crying weekly missing my girls, feeling guilty about leaving them and then even guiltier for never wanting to go back to Texas and being happy here in CA…. to know crying daily.
I keep wondering how I can be so happy as a person, happy with my love for my husband, happy to be in CA, but on the other hand be depressed. I find myself feeling so unmotivated, so detached, so withdrawn and so fucking tired everyday and honestly just scared… of the ultimate outcome of moving, but also knowing staying in Texas another day would have completely compromised my sanity.
Inner turmoil is challenging AF.
Being in touch with yourself emotionally and mentally can be confusing AF.
Understanding how the brain works can be scary AF and make you question everything.
Being sober, sifting through all of these emotions makes me brave AF.
I arrived in damaged condition, but I swear I am trying hard as hell to make it out of this life alive and well.