I’ve decided to just come out and say it!
There is something I have been hiding because I have felt shame, disappointment and anger (with myself) over this.
I really don’t know how to put it all into words.
I felt like I had the world by the balls in 2013-2014. `
I felt invincible, unstoppable, unfuckwithable.
2015 I was still riding the high from the previous years. I was crushing certain aspects of my life, but life was still so unbalanced. It was hard to keep all of my plates spinning. My world finally came crashing down around me in June 2015.
This wasn’t the first time my life fell apart.
It took longer, but I was able to pick myself back up with the help of my “tribe”. I spent 2016 on a mission to prove to myself and others that I could comeback. And I did just that.
I have had no other goals since that one was achieved.
I mean I have written “goals” down for the past few years and inconsistently on a weekly or monthly basis. The problem is I was writing down things that I thought others expected of me, or what I “should” be doing. The truth is, I don’t know what the fuck I want.
This isn’t the first time I’ve been “lost”. The hard part is, when I was lost before, I didn’t really realize it…Ignorance is bliss.
BUT NOW, now I feel this pressure to know who I am, what I am doing, why I am doing it and have it be something with major impact. I feel the pressure from myself. I feel the pressure from others to lead like I used to.
I have told myself the story that ALL of my peers (fellow coaches) are totally aligned with their mission, vision and purpose.
I have convinced myself that I am the only one who has this problem.
I have felt like I am an Imposter and that my success was just an accident.
I have justified the success I saw in 2012-2015 as just being my “15 seconds of fame”.
I have questioned my ability to lead, inspire, teach, motivate.
I have been so unkind to myself. The voice in my head has told me that I am irrelevant, relatable and unable to get my shit together enough to have another comeback.
My belief has been shaken. Not my belief in the company I proudly represent or the products or what we as coaches do or how we do it, but in MYSELF.
I’ve internalized the embarrassment and tried to work it out on my own. I’ve felt like I need to be, not perfect, but a good example.
Recently, I shared how I felt with my husband and a few friends and leaders within our company. I realized that I am not alone.
After several conversations over this weekend, I remembered how at the end of her book, Michelle Obama shared that after leaving the White House, she felt lost. So I mean, if that lady can feel lost, after all she’d accomplished and writing an amazing book, I should give myself grace.
I believe that a lot of people from the outside (or even coaches who feel that they’ve seen little to no success in the business), feel that they need to have all the answers and keep their shit together, but that is not true. Because of the community I am part of, I have been reminded to be kind to myself and that even with all of my doubts and imperfections, I still belong here …. And so do you, no matter where you are from, where you are at or whether or not you know where you want to go.
I just started reading Own Your Everyday by Jordan Lee Dooley. The very beginning of the book spoke to me! I’d love to read it “together” and discuss if you are feeling the same way as I am… a little lost, visionless and disempowered.